We all like to believe that we are strong and capable of handling our lives in a practical sense, daily living. Most also want to be competent in the romantic arena, as well. We don’t like to feel vulnerable or confused by the person we love. That is exhausting and drains much-needed energy for all the other dynamic parts of our lives. Predictability is paramount to stability. Knowing what to expect from someone you love, feels good. Some might say, it’s boring, but the truth is that the brain seeks order and understanding. When one chooses to be in a relationship that is stable, actually allows for more versatility, not less. When partners are stable, and trust one another, they are free to explore together with their more clear and conscious minds.
Infancy provides so many answers to our later love lives, we need to slow down, and feel our way through the process of meeting potential partners because talking about how you feel and experiencing it are two very different things. Those who seek multiple and risky relationships that are unpredictable are actually using their brain to self-medicate and avoid reality instead of embracing it. Let me explain. The brain under stress will release neurochemicals to manage that state. When engaging in risky behavior, dopamine, and adrenaline flow, creating a somewhat euphoric feeling along with a false sense of confidence. Rightly so, when something is dangerous we need a dose of neuro-courage to get us through. However, there is no place for this in our loving relationships. The break-up to make-up pattern is chaotic, confusing and unhealthy.
Your partner should feel like, “A SOFT PLACE TO LAND.” There are plenty of things in life that catch us off guard; the internet going out, the sink backing up, the dog needing a vet or getting a flat tire. This can be rattling for sure. Sinking into someone you trust and care about is an irreplaceable feeling. It is like falling on a cloud and being enveloped in warmth. The truth is that we all want that womb-like, cozy, easy, gentle connection that just allows us to be. You can wear your PJs all day or burn dinner and “your person,” still loves you. There is a reason that the phrase, “soft place to land” exists. Interestingly, often these emotionally loaded sayings have roots in Infancy.
They hold answers that are hard to put into words but describe the intense and powerful feelings attached to certain expressions that occurred at the beginning of our lives, during infancy through touch. An infant’s brain is a raw communication track. As time passes, and language progresses we learn to communicate with more complex expressions but the raw feelings never subside. We just use words, usually inadequate, to try to describe how we feel. These emotions run deep. Let’s think about touch for a minute. One of the primary ways love is communicated across the lifespan is through physical contact, a hug, a kiss or even just the slightest skins to skin touch can deliver an intense message to someone.
We often ignore or dismiss this type of communication but it can be a very accurate model of knowing yourself and someone else. If we learn to pay attention to the road less conscientiously traveled, touch, we can gather lots of highly sensitive information about partners.
When we find someone who can easily access this subtle and somewhat raw part of our brain, we have often unknowingly found the potential for a soft place to land. This is just the beginning. Now, it’s time to see if that soft landing is relationship worthy. The person who can access the most vulnerable spot in our psyche. The person whose touch causes an emotional and tangible response that we can’t really be put into words. At the end of the day, and the end of time, we all just want a soft place to land with someone we love.
These materials and all discussions of these materials are for educational purposes only and do not constitute medical or mental health advice. The presenter is not your mental health or medical service provider. If you need medical or mental health care or advice, we encourage you to contact your doctor or therapist, or you can contact your insurance company for a referral. Reproduction or use requires written consent of Dr. Kristin Beasley.